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Notes from Ilene for Valentines
Day
Forgiveness-
a skill that can be learned!
As a marriage and family
therapist for over twenty
years, I have often noticed
how many of us wrestle with
the practice of forgiveness.
There are many ways to cultivate
forgiveness in our lives.
The more unwilling or unable
we are to let go, the more
opportunities to forgive
seem to endlessly present
themselves.
The inability or unwillingness
to forgive is based in part
on grief that is either unacknowledged
or somehow denied. Perhaps
because we live in a culture
that minimizes or undervalues
feelings we often find ourselves "stuck" with
no where to go with our feelings,
feeling shame when the feelings
awaken. Sometimes, we can
be caught by surprise with
either a public outburst
or a display of emotion that
reveals itself unexpectedly
through tears.
The first part of forgiveness
is to acknowledge a need
to grieve. Life and relationships
often don't live up to our
expectations or the ideals
and fixed conditions with
which we use to measure ourselves.
An easy way to say this is
perfectionism needs to go.
Louis Hay, the AIDS activist
and healer once said, "Why
do I believe I have to be
perfect in order to be barely
acceptable."
The Dalai Lama says "Compassion
is an essential ingredient
to happiness."
Bob Plath, the director of
The Forgiveness Alliance,
might say, "Forgiveness
is an essential ingredient
to happiness." In honor
of Valentines this week,
I dedicate this column to
loving not just people outside
yourself, but to truly loving
and forgiving yourself.
Many of us have a tendency
to abandon ourselves ten
times a day. To redress
this does not mean shouting
out our feelings on the rooftops
at any perceived slight.
Studies show that people
who tend not to perceive
apparent slights have less "need
to forgive."
Letting go of perfectionism
and being more loving, by
accepting our feelings, is
the only chance we have to
begin to know ourselves,
and start the process of
forgiveness. This will allow
others to really know us
as well.
So when strangers and our
loved ones inadvertently
hurt us, we need to come
back to ourselves and recognize
our feelings to start the
healing process.
While studies show that people
who tend not to notice or
perceive apparent slights
have less need to forgive,
even if we haven't built " the
muscle" to overlook
other people's flaws, we
can start today to consciously
own and forgive our own.
Ilene Wolf, MFT is a licensed
psychotherapist in private
practice in Marin and San
Francisco. Ilene and Bob
Plath teach Forgiveness Workshops
in the public schools throughout
the Bay Area.
Ilene@ilenewolf.com
415.263.6744
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